Frantic To Faith
Transforming fear through contact with intuition
I’ve always loved the ocean. As a Southern California native I fondly recall memories of getting up at the crack of dawn to drive the hour or so it took our family to get to Newport from the Inland Empire. The summer following my high school graduation the beach represented the ultimate freedoms, being hours away from the flurry of obligations my schedule often demanded of me. Heading west, feeling the descending temperature to offer a reprieve from the endless heat, my body was invigorated with anticipation of what the day would bring.
During this particular summer, California was experiencing a summer storm pattern resulting in record-setting breaks. Despite my frequent visits to the coast and strong swimming skills, I was caught off guard at the sheer power and fury of these waves. During one particularly unrelenting set, I found it difficult to gather enough breath before needing to duck-dive deeply below, still within reach of feeling the surges just inches above me, yanking me and rolling down my back. The sea that I was so fond of, often filling me with delight, had become a place that required departure from glee into frantic, frightened energy. I remember a lifeguard swimming out, and while a part of me was embarrassed to have demonstrated some form of distress to merit this intervention, another part of me felt relieved knowing that I was within arms reach of safety. I swam to shore with the lifeguard’s guidance, breathless and humbled by nature’s might.
This encounter contributed for many years to my hesitancy both in and out of water- never quite connecting again with the deep sense of safety, of being held amongst the power of uncertainty within my environment. I would approach the sea with caution, and while I remained safe, something greater was lost here. My confidence was shaken and for many years I remained in the comforts provided only by staying close to certainty- holding back, minimizing exposure to any risks, disconnecting from my body and heart to feel safe.
Having contact with this memory so many years later, initially left me puzzled. I am fascinated by the mind’s capacity to shut off access to memories for months, years, sometimes lifetimes, until one day we can be going through our day and boom- access to some far away vision and image of ourselves. I remind clients in my practice that our body is profoundly wise, turning down the volume on things that may be too difficult, beyond our endurance to fully grasp and process all at once. This allows us to address material from before, some we may consider haunting or traumatic in a way that does not overwhelm our bodies and minds. Leading trauma experts have found that our recall of these events is often non-linear, and typically in the form of images, visions, sometimes nightmares. These experts also have more recently understood the profound ways our bodies can store information and energy, sometimes from events in our life far outside the realm of our conscious capacity to recall. Imagery within memories and the unresolved physical storage of energy can often frustrate our conscious, productive selves as the healing process so often requires time, curiosity and investigation to deepen our understanding of what it is we are supposed to revisit to heal.
This past year, I was introduced to Quantum Human Design, which was recommended to me as a tool to illuminate characteristics, behaviors and beliefs that originated from the time of your birth. To generate your design chart you need the city, country and exact time of your birth. I consulted my baby book tucked away in my garage and was surprised to discover the time that I had felt so certain of for my birth was off by a few hours. I peeled back the pages of my baby book, reading letters my mom had written to me before birth, seeing my hospital bracelet and pictures of me being welcomed home by friends and family. Simultaneously, I noticed intense feelings bubbling up- burning behind my eyes, pressure and tightness throughout my chest, feeling on the verge of tears but not really understanding why. I kept flipping through and came across a page that listed different events and their associated ages. I read that before the age of two, I had fallen into the bathtub while my older sister was bathing. The book held no further information, just the event notated among other milestones of sitting up, walking and talking. While I did not know at that moment what exactly happened, my body certainly was having a visceral response to being in contact with the memories contained within this book.
My expertise as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner has afforded me the understanding of trauma principles that emphasize the healing possible when we welcome the body and depart from the linear, conscious mind. I am grateful for my training and background, as it has allowed me to approach healing in my own life with intrigue rather than fear or avoidance. I have an investigative mind, which was confirmed in my Quantum Human Design and so began my work in healing my body from what may have been left unresolved from that tumble into the tub.
A recent trip to the ocean delivered the opportunity for healing my body. I felt a strong urgency to be in the water, to revisit a place where much had been lost long ago. Oddly, I also felt an equal urgency about bringing a board out and allowing my husband to guide me in a surf lesson. Having only been on a board a handful of times, my thinking mind argued, “what are you nuts?!” I would not be deterred, and the knowing desire to be in the water, in the depths overrode my logical, thinking, demanding mind.
The waves, while not huge and unmerciful as I have experienced, for someone with my limited skills in surfing felt intimidating, stirring up uncertainty and thoughts of bailing more than once. Having my husband there with me helped enormously, and while anyone would agree that much of learning to surf is an independent endeavor, my spirit felt more at ease knowing he was so close by. After taking a few hard falls, getting swept into the turbulence of the whitewash, I had a split heightened awareness that brought me right back to that day on the beach at 17. While under the water, despite my efforts to see and feel that old familiar frantic, urgent, panicked energy it simply was not there this time around. I leaned into the intensity, getting deeper below and was met with stillness and a rush of certainty that no matter what happened I knew what to do to ride with the intensity. I was taken by the calm that was found once I surrendered into a knowing that has always been there, and trusting that in moments when I need it the most in life it will never betray me with offering calm reassurance.
I unpacked this experience with some of my mentors, and one offered with ease, simplicity in the depth of his connection to knowing,
“Doc, the fear you were looking for just wasn’t there anymore.”
The shifting, unblocked energy revealed valuable lessons that only recently were made conscious to me. I share these as courageous action items in areas where you may, like me, have an origin story behind frantic energy.
Courageous Action Items for Frantic Energy
Show up anyway
If you are facing an uncertain challenge where you mind is throwing compelling arguments for why you should run away and avoid, take time to pause and reflect whether this is valid or not. Your intuition has your best interest, such as when you get the flu each time you’re trying to get together with that friend who for some reason just rubs you a little wrong. Your intuition also will steer you toward an opportunity that requires your trust and surrender, having faith that you will be okay and safe no matter the outcome. My integration of my pre-conscious fall and subsequent fear of the water did not happen by avoiding contact with water- I had to be near it, to show up and trust that inner compass that was nudging and pushing me toward doing some work there. Intuition is there to guide you toward healing, toward deepening your understanding, even when your conscious mind may say, “are you sure we can handle this?”
Demand that your needs are met in some way
Much of tuning into your intuition is determining when your body is saying yes and no. Often in our lives we dim this awareness to satisfy the needs of those in our environment. A fun exercise I ask every group I’ve ever run in my clinical practice is how many of you would return a beverage or food item if it was prepared incorrectly or not to your liking? Answers vary wildly with some melting into their chairs announcing “I could never!” with others gleefully sharing their examples of strong-arming the barista until they get it just right. This courageous action requires you to read between the lines a bit so watch for the unruly part of you that may say, Dr. Lesley said it’s A-Ok to make demands. For most of us, the urgency of the demand comes from within- a listening and finding agreement between the intuition that steers us and the part of us that arrives in our environments that may try to drive this intuitive nature off course. The invitation in this action is to stop, pay attention to what your inner knowing, your intuition, is guiding and begin shifting your interactions with generosity toward honoring the truth within.
Trust your own self-assessment regardless of others
My coach celebrated the day I arrived at one of our calls and announced, “I just don’t care anymore”. He explained that the less we give care and attention to what others think, we can really hone in on what we are meant intuitively to do. believe in a universe that is loving, benevolent and gracious, so if you find yourself reading this and thinking, “wow, that’s pretty selfish to only consider your own point of view,” dear reader, this is an invitation to pause and dig deeper. Frantic energy is often fueled by the belief and the mistrust in your own capacity to trust your knowing. Our minds tell us we must know something consciously to be able to understand and move forward. But if you are an investigative mind like me, this will often result in your seeking out countless feedback only to feel overwhelmed and paralyzed by which decision is the “right” one. Trust yourself and put your faith in the universe to move in a way that supports you in your highest good for self and others.
Hold your vision no matter what
The catch here that my mentor shared is figuring out whether your vision is ultimately for your highest good. Sometimes something can feel right but all signs are pointing toward gathering more information or changing course and embracing a new discovery in your vision. I discovered this recently after many attempts to relocate to Tennessee. Boxes were being packed, I began telling clients and colleagues of my eventual move because it was “where my heart was supposed to be.” The universe, however, had other plans- the job my husband was close to getting fell apart after the third interview. The contract position located in TN that had been coming together for the past nine months no longer made sense after I completed my first internship. The familiar, frantic part of me wanted to ignore all of this, commanding the universe to be on my side! I know better now though, and have deep gratitude for discovering that this was not in fact meant to be. When your vision is for the highest good of you and the world, the universe will bend over backwards to make it happen.
Feel like inspiring others? Feel free to share a comment with your experience of putting these courageous action items into practice!