'Til Death Do Us Part

A look at how vows may inspire us all to live with love, compassion and a commitment to truth

I recently celebrated my 10th wedding  anniversary with my sweet husband, Travis. Each year we have welcomed the tradition of watching the video of our wedding ceremony and some fun highlights from our reception. While this is a tradition I often enjoy, there have been some years that I will tighten, clench while watching friends and relatives that are no longer with us. Some have moved onto the beyond, which can bring a sense of sadness and warmth quite natural when seeing grandparents and relatives that are no longer here to connect with, to laugh with and learn from.Others from our friend circles have moved naturally or sometimes suddenly have eroded out of our lives. Watching some of these individuals,  I would feel a rush of sadness, and heart-ache at their absence in mine and Travis’ lives. So while this was a welcome tradition each year, it also came with the sometimes unpleasant contact with grief and heaviness. 

After a busy day of work for both of us and a hurried dinner out with our children, we all snuggled onto the couch and put the video on, with a little hum behind my consciousness in some preparation for contact with the all too familiar feelings I had come to acknowledge each passing year. This year, however, in the place of the recognizable subtleties of grief and loss was instead a swelling of the space within my heart. The feeling was so perceptible, nearly distracting me from the images on the screen, compelling my awareness to travel inward to commune with my heart and body. I felt into this expansion, which oriented my awareness to the enveloping love of my family resting against my body. I breathed more deeply, and felt the incredible depths of genuine, compassionate love. What had before left me with feelings of lack and loss was renewed with warmth and gratitude for the purpose each of these people had in my life and what could only be learned through each of their departures.

This year witnessing our vows, which we authored ourselves, I noticed just as I did with the new experiences within my body these promises reached me in a new way. I was struck by the intentionality, the vision that Travis and I had well before we consciously thrust our lives into this new dimension of commitment. I have told many clients when contemplating marriage or long-term commitments that it is one of the most courageous acts a person can embark upon. The decision to willingly join lives with another human, to breathe life into a union where two create a vision beyond what was and what will ever be had the decision remained to stay separate.

While we believed our vows to be unique to us, as they were written by our own hands, hearing them today I see their capacity to transcend well beyond the intimate nuances and inside jokes within our partnership. These solemn promises proclaimed before a community of our friends and family are timeless in their commitment of prioritizing unconditional love, honesty and deep respect for self and another. Perhaps the undertaking of marriage expands well beyond the union that is honored on the wedding day, but is representative of a collective responsibility, a union capable of restoring hope and championing love, sacrifice and tenderness as redeemable actions worth repeating for generations to come. 

I love Yuval Levin’s conceptualization of the reorientation that occurs with the conception of the family unit, which for some begins with the a couple’s wedding day. This day is often witnessed and celebrated by friends, family, God and affiliated spiritual and religious rituals, making it an occasion symbolizing the union of what was once two separate beings into a bond that inspires access to our greater good-

The family, perhaps more than any institution, forms us by constraining us- by moving us to ask, “As a parent, as a spouse, is this what I should be doing? ¹

Circling back to my vows, it amazes me today how much of what I promised that day to Travis, was in fact a covenant I was taking with the parts of myself that tended to be burdened with fear, heaviness and loss- 

I, Lesley, promise that I will be your partner in this adventure called life. I promise to love you in the way that I know how, fully and without reservation. I promise to have laughter and light during dark times. I promise to openly communicate with you so that I am fully present when I am with you. I promise to be spontaneous and goofy when our life gets too serious and I promise to be a loving and compassionate mother to our children in the future. From this day forward and when we are apart you will always be my home

One decade ago I looked into Travis’ eyes and heart and promised him and myself to exceed beyond a standard of living that I was accustomed to- to reach within and prioritize presence, spontaneity, and loving compassion to our future generation. I can say with certainty that I have fallen short of these vows hundreds, if not thousands of times. Returning to these vows this year awakened me to this reality, but also inspired me to reinvigorate my commitment to promises. I remind myself and clients regularly that it matters less about the contextual details when we fall short, but rather what we decide to learn from the experience and apply to our present understanding. These vows today serve as my own North Star, made visible only after a decade of wandering. I find that so much can be explored in the seasons of wandering, that this time is also of great necessity, because without this contrast, how would we realize when something like a promise is capable of calling us back home to ourselves. 

I will close this piece with with some timeless suggestions from our dear friend, Luke Bauer who we had the pleasure to stand beside as he officiated and blessed our marriage 10 years ago. I look forward to witnessing what these words and the recommitment to my vows brings forth in this present season. 

Reflections from Luke Bauer

Any one of us that can find and express the loving devotion that we find ourselves bearing witness to today knows that it is an awesome and beautiful thing. 

You both recognize that what you value and contribute in this life resides within each of you. Your ability to provide understanding, compassion, wisdom and unconditional love is with the understanding that each of these is freely given as gifts so that your lives will be greater in abundance.

Luke’s Suggestions for a Happy and Blessed Marriage

 Be constantly grateful of this precious person that you have chosen to be in partnership with 

Be a provider of consistent acts of kindness. The world can be a tough place and any of us can be subject to rough handling. Be generous with your compliments, be attentive and helpful. Each of you by your tenderness toward each other, by your kind actions and thoughtful words make your marriage and your home an uplifting refuge

Make truth the unfailing bedrock of your lives together. A happy loving marriage is built on trust and respect. That trust and respect can only be sustained if you are deeply committed to always being open and truthful in every exchange no matter how small or whoever is right

Levin, Y. (2023). A time to build: From family and community to congress and the campus, how recommitting to our institutions can revive the American dream. Basic Books.

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